The Eye of Argon

The Eye of Argon (TEoA) is an infamously bad heroic fantasy novella, written in 1970 by Jim Theis and circulated anonymously in science fiction fandom since then. The story subsequently came into use as part of a common SF convention party game, as described by SF critic Dave Langford:

The challenge of death, at sf conventions, is to read The Eye of Argon aloud, straight-faced, without choking and falling over. The grandmaster challenge is to read it with a squeaky voice after inhaling helium. What fun we fans have.

History

The story was written in 1970 by Jim Theis, a Kansas City, Missouri science fiction fan, at age 16. The work was first published in 1970 in OSFAN (the journal of the Ozark SF Society) #7. Langford described Theis in SFX as

a malaprop genius, a McGonagall of prose with an eerie gift for choosing the wrong word and then misapplying it.

Some time in the 1970s author Thomas Scortia obtained a copy, which he mailed to Californian SF writer Chelsea Quinn Yarbro. She took it to a meeting of the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society (LASFS), where it met with a tremendous and incredulous reaction. The work was copied and distributed widely around Los Angeles and soon spread around the US. Readings quickly became a common item on science fiction convention programmes.

The version which currently circulates on the Internet was manually transcribed by LASFS member Don Simpson from a mimeograph of Theis' original, and bears his note at the bottom:

No mere transcription can give the true flavor of the original printing of The Eye of Argon. It was mimeographed with stencils cut on an elite manual typewriter. Many letters were so faint as to be barely readable, others were overstruck, and some that were to be removed never got painted out with correction fluid. Usually, only one space separated sentences, while paragraphs were separated by a blank line and were indented ten spaces. Many words were grotesquely hyphenated. And there were illustrations — I cannot do them justice in mere words, but they were a match for the text. These are the major losses of this version (#02) of TEoA.

Otherwise, all effort has been made to retain the full and correct text, preserving even mis-spellings and dropped spaces. An excellent proofreader has checked it for errors both omitted [sic] and committed. What mis-matches remain are mine.

The Internet text does contain typos not in the original.

It is unknown whether Theis was aware of the cult infamy his work latterly gained, or of its use as a party game. A copy of a 1995 reprinting was sent to him, with no response. Jim Theis died in 2002 aged 48.

Other attributed authors

Many readers have found it hard to believe the story was not a collaborative effort, a satire on bad writing or both. Langford reported the following, sent in by author Michael Swanwick, in Ansible #193:

I had a surprising conversation at Readercon with literary superstar Samuel R. Delany, who told me of how at an early Clarion the students and teachers had decided to see exactly how bad a story they could write if they put their minds to it. Chip himself contributed a paragraph to the round robin effort. Its title? "The Eye of Argon".

Langford considers it well known that Theis is the author, and surmises that Delany misremembered the event.

The 1995 reprint was attributed to "G. Ecordian," after the hero, Grignr the Ecordian.

Plot summary

Spoiler warning: Plot or ending details follow.

Chapter 1: The story starts with a violent swordfight between the barbarian Grignr and some soldiers. Grignr is on his way to Gorzom in search of wenches and plunder.

Chapter 2: Grignr arrives in Gorzom and goes to a tavern, where he picks up a local wench (with a "lithe, opaque nose"). A drunk challenges him over the woman; he kills the drunk, but is arrested by the man's companions and brought before the local prince, who condemns him to a life of forced labour in the mines.

Chapter 3: Grignr sits despondent in his cell, thinking of his homeland.

Chapter 3½: A scene of a pagan ritual involving a group of shamans, a young woman to be sacrificed and a jade idol with one eye: a "many fauceted scarlet emerald", the Eye of Argon.

Chapter 4: Grignr sits bored and anguished in his cell and is losing track of time. He battles a large rat and it inspires him with a plan, involving the corpse of the rat.

Chapter 5: The pagan ritual proceeds, with a priest ordering the young woman up to the altar. When she fails to proceed, he attempts to grope her. The other shamans grab and molest her.

Chapter 6: Grignr is taken from his cell by two soldiers. He takes the rat pelvis he has fashioned into a dagger and slits one soldier's throat. He then strangles the second and takes his clothes. He wanders the catacombs for a time, finding a storeroom protected by a booby-trap. Below this room he finds the palace mausoleum. He resets the booby-trap in case he is being pursued.

He hears a scream apparently coming from a sarcophagus. He opens it to find the scream is coming from below. He opens a trap door and sees a shaman about to sacrifice the young woman. He ploughs into the group of shamans with an axe and takes the Eye. The young woman, Carthena, turns out to be the tavern wench. They depart.

Chapter 7: One young priest, who had been suffering an epileptic fit during Grignr's attack, recovers, draws a scimitar and follows Grignr and Carthena through the trap door in the ceiling.

Chapter 7½: The priest strikes at Grignr, but he triggers and is killed by the reset booby-trap before his sword can connect. Carthena tells Grignr of the prince, Agaphim, who had condemned him to the mines. They encounter Agaphim and kill him.

They emerge into the sunlight. Grignr pulls the Eye of Argon out of his pouch to admire. The jewel melts and turns into a writhing blob with a leechlike mouth. The blob attacks him and begins sucking his blood. Carthena faints. Grignr, losing consciousness, grabs a torch and thrusts it into the blob's mouth.

The story ends at this point, apparently incomplete.