Jack Handey

Jack Handey was a cast member of Saturday Night Live and was famous for his Deep Thoughts, and My Big Thick Book shorts. Jack Handey also has written a number of books that include Deep Thoughts, Fuzzy Memories, Deeper Thoughts: Don't Fight the Deepness, and Deepest Thoughts: So Deep they Squeak.

Some "Deep Thoughts"

Deep Thoughts were short jokes and one-liners written and read by Jack Handey.

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• I'd rather be rich than stupid.
• I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up, little guy.
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
• I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.